So, i'm day 8 of diet changes, and day 2 of my cycle. Came on yesterday, and all the hope that this time might be better has crashed and burned.
I had a reasonably quiet week on the run up, few snappy and shouty moments, but yesterday was worse and today i feel terrible. I think i've alredy wiped another friend out of my life, and it's only 10.25am.
The big problem is that i just cant eat. I was ok for half the day yesterday, but then i went from lunch till 8pm before i ate. What i did eat was ok (not stress foods) but i know these big gaps dont help. That was made me look at my diet in the first place. I havent eaten anything yet today, and i've been up over 3 hours. I just cant face food. I cant face thinking about it, eating it, tasting it, yet i'm really hungry.
In some twisted way, i think that starving myself is a type of punishment. Feeling really hungry is uncomfortable, yet nothing can make me feel like eating. Not even the thought of 'naughty' foods, nothing does it for me.
What should i do? I know my sugar levels are gonna go crazy again, i know thats going to lead to things getting worse. I'm feeling so confused and panicky.
You can't expect to things to change in only 1 week, sorry. I don't have any idea why you don't feel like eating (physically or medically) but you hit on a reason why yourself--punishment.
Food has historically been a reward for doing something "good", think about the offerings you mother or caretaker made to you as a child. You can have "dessert" if you ______, you can fill in the blank.
Celebrations of accomplishments, holidays, special occasions have always included food. So it doesn't take a genius to understand the punishment concept.
You have to think about what happened to you in your past, probably somewhere in your childhood that connects the withdrawal of food and punishment for doing something "wrong".
I hope you don't take offense with this post, but this is something you need to overcome if you're going to get better.
Can you think of something you did wrong in the past few days to authorize the punishment on yourself. Having PMDD?, punishing your body for betraying you? Once you make the connection between food and punishment you're the only one who can understand that you must somehow forgive yourself to overcome the pattern of starvation.
Thanks Jen. It's really encouraging to know others are reading. Hopefully others will join me, but i dont mind. It's a place for me to write if nothing else!
I'm going to write up my thoughts on food and starving myself in my journal, but it has lots to do with the fact that food was always a big part of family get-togethers and my feelings about my childhood. These feelings have been crushed over the years, along with being told i have to eat everything, 'Think of the starving children in Africa' my Nan used to say. Then i became very overweight as a child and suffered huge self esteem and confidence issues.
My family used to feel safe and big family meals and partys were always fun. It was only through admitting abuse by an uncle to another family member, and finding out that there were a couple of abusers in the family that crushed all my dreams of a safe family. No-one admits is, no-one talks about it, yet through direct experience, others have been abused too.
It was this that made me lose my faith in my 'family'.
I think then, food is sometimes the only thing i have control over. I remember being overweight and thinking that if i feel hungry it must be doing me some good. Feeling hungry to the point i am in pain gives me a weird satisfaction of being in control.
Food was a way that my step-Dad used to lure people. Fine things, like wine, good food, socialising, music. He's was the perfect host, with my Mum and I running round like chickens (or servants). Another reason for turning against food and what it represents. I hated him, we never got on. He's dead now, he was 27 years older than my Mum, and lost his fight against cancer a few of years ago.
Anyway. Still not sure why i choose to 'punish' myself, but it's good to recgnise these things...